Effective Self-Talk

The Art and Science of Self-Talk

At a recent conference about ADHD I attended, a speaker pointed to the importance of self-talk in being able to organize one’s life, set goals, follow through, handle disapointments and challenges, and soothe one’s self in times of stress. This got me thinking about how crucial a skill self-talk is and how it is involved in all aspects of our life.

What is self-talk?
Self-talk is the internal process of talking silently to ourselves about what we do as we go through our lives. Effectively maintaining this running commentary requires a complex combination of skills:

-It requires good powers of observation: “What is going on here?”

-It requires the ability to assess ourselves accurately: “What skills do I have to address this situation?”

-It necessitates the effective use our working memory: “What have I done in the past that has worked for me?” “What mistakes have I made that I don’t want to repeat?”

-It requires the ability to exercise compassion: “I’m going to try this but if it doesn’t work that’s ok”.

-It requires knowing how to manage our anxiety: “I know what I have to do but it may be difficult. I’ll just stay calm and try my best”.

-It requires the ability to sequence events and stay on task: “In order to mail this letter, I need to get a pen, write down the address, find a stamp, put it in my purse, walk to a mailbox, remember the letter is in my purse, and slip it into the mailbox”

-It requires being able to plan for the outcome: “If I want to finish this job by three, I need to start at 1pm ”.

Self-talk is acquired through our relationships and interactions with early caregivers or significant others. When a baby cries, a parent may say: “Shh, shh, it’s okay”, thus teaching the child how to soothe herself. A competent parent will then identify the reason for the baby’s cries, i,e, hunger, a soiled diaper, or sleepiness. Then this parent will respond to it. A child with a responsive parent eventually learns to identify the source of their own distress and attend to it themselves. When this child grows up, she is able to say to herself, when she is upset: “It’s going to be ok”. Then she can say to herself: “I am upset because I didn’t get that job I really wanted”. She can then tell herself: “I’ll review my resume and try again.”

Most of the time, with good enough parenting and relationships, we use self-talk unconsciously and without effort. We can talk ourselves through simple tasks like getting up in the morning and starting our day: “I need to give myself 30 minutes to get to work, and 15 to get ready, so I’ll stay in bed for 5 more minutes and then I’ll get up”. Most of the time we can also use self-talk to get through emotionally stressful or mentally demanding situations: “I am stuck on the subway, and I have a big presentation at work that I will be late for, but it’s okay, I’ll just listen to my ipod, and try to relax, because I can’t do anything about it anyway, and when I get to work, I will apologize and jump right in. I am usually on time, and my colleagues respect and value me, so they will forgive this one isolated incident.”

But any interference with this process can lead to debilitating, sometimes paralyzing results. Absence of effective self-talk, or overly negative self-talk can prevent someone from accomplishing even the most basic tasks, and overcoming the most common obstacles. Stress or conditions which lead to problems in executive function, such as ADHD or depression, can hinder one’s ability to access the skills we need to assess, motivate, engage, and follow through with life’s demands.

When self-talk fails
A person who was ignored, yelled at, or responded to with panic and anxiety as a child, will not have learn some of the skills listed above, and will respond to the same situations in a very different way. She will not have the words to talk herself through anxiety, sadness or stress, and will become overwhelmed. She will not know how to identify the source of her distress, and respond to it. She may respond to many situations with indecision, helplessness, or despair. She may use substances to numb the pain, or inflict self-harm. She may stuggle with low self-esteem and a sense of incompetence.

Others, while they have competent parents, or caregivers, may have developmental or learning disabilites that limit their ability to learn effective self-talk from their interactions with others. Spectrum disorders, executive functioning disorders, or processing disorders will disrupt the running commentary a person has on what is going on around them. An individual with ADHD for example, may lose the train of thought involved in talking themselves through a task or an interaction, because they become distracted with other stimuli. Someone struggling with depression may begin to see the word in an overly negative way, and assume the worst about every situation, without being able to access solution-oriented thinking.

These individuals, may respond to the same situation of being stuck on the subway and late for work with a very different running commentary: “AAAARGGGHHHHHH!” or “They’re going to fire me!” or “I am such an idiot, I should have given myself more time” or “This is just typical! Why does the world always conspire against me? Every time I try to do something important it goes wrong.”

Learning how to self-talk more effectively
Through therapy, people can learn or re-learn how to talk to themselves. A skilled and empathic therapist will talk to a patient in the way that the patient needs to learn how to talk to themselves. With patience, compassion, and a clear, realistic understanding of who they are and what they are capable of, a good therapist can model and teach their clients how to talk to themselves more effectively.

In the absence of a therapist, or in between sessions, here are a few things you can do to improve your self-talk skills:

1) Pay attention to how you talk to yourself, especially in stressful situations.

2) Ask yourself: “Whose voice is that I am replaying in my head?” Often when self-talk is excessively negative, it harkens back to a parent, teacher, or other important caregiver giving us negative feedback.

3) Challenge some of the negative or counter-productive messages that you are sending yourself: Is this really true? If they relate back to a caregiver or signifcant other’s way of talking to you, identify your feelings towards that person. Can their messages really be trusted? Are they an accurate judge of your abilities and accomplishments?

4) Identify a person in your life whose voice has been buoyant and supportive. Ask yourself what they would say to you in the particular situation you are struggling with. If you have no-one in your life, think of a character from a book or a movie, and ask yourself what they would say.

5) Don’t give up and keep practicing. These things take time to re-learn. Many people get set back when something particularly stressful happens. If negativity, or paralysis return, ask yourself what is going on that is making it hard to move forward. Then go back to step 1)

What is so exciting about the notion of self-talk, is that if we can become more self-aware about how we talk to ourselves, we can also control how we do it, and it does not take anyone else but ourselves to make this change. We do not even need to change anything that is happening around us, only what we tell ourselves about it and how we coach ourselves through it. Also exciting is that these skills can be learned and practiced until they become automatic. And then suddenly the glass can start to look half-full, instead of half-empty, even though it’s still the same exact glass.