Let’s talk about us.
Having big conversations in budding relationships.
If you are in a fledgling relationship and you get the sense that you’ve found your match, things feel awesome, right? This is working for you. Yay! BUT… all of a sudden you want to be assured that things are as they appear—that you are on the same page. You may find yourself wanting to take this nebulous relationship that is forming and put it into more concrete terms. For some, this looks like a conversation about exclusivity. For others, notions of moving in together, getting married and starting a family build to a captivating crescendo. And then there are those for whom keeping it open and fresh while staying in the present without a plan sounds just-right.
The “talk” is one of those much-dreaded yet always-anticipated parts of a budding relationship. As we all know, the “talk” can be tricky. It attempts to clarify--to put into words—the complexity that is already happening between two individuals. Often times it includes wishes for the future.
Big relationship talks are nerve wracking, to put it mildly. Underlying the nerves is a worry that your significant other does not share in your wishes and dreams, or worse--that they have doubts about the relationship as it stands. All-too-often the talk is avoided for fear of rejection or incompatibility. When nobody is talking, both members of the relationship are complicit in the avoidance as they wait for the other to take the plunge. It’s like inside they are secretly at a stand-off. Both in the therapy room and out, I see the devastation that waiting too long can cause. Under these conditions, relationships tend to either stagnate or blow up. So, as I often say: when in doubt, talk it out!
The truth is, big talks early in a relationship can unveil irreconcilable differences. Perhaps he wants to have children and she wants a basset hound. Or she is into polyamorous love while her partner is the posterchild for exclusivity. The news might be crushing. However, it can yield very important material. Sadly, the person you like/love may not be the right fit for you. This means you may walk away with a new dilemma: how does a partnership move forward in the face of flagrant incompatibilities? Or, perhaps the question you have to ask yourself is: how do you break up with the person you love?
Aha! But maybe you've won the lottery! And the talk makes clear that, though this requires work, IT'S REALLY WORKING! If this is the case, congratulations! You and your significant other just beat this level’s boss! But, unlike your usual video game, there is no end to this one… it just gets more interesting the longer you play.
In the aftermath of big conversations which may leave you feeling emotionally spent, I find it heartening to know that potential is born. In much the same way, though naturally-occurring forest fires seem devastating at first glance, they are vital to the ecosystem. They clear away old trees and dead leaves to make room for budding plants and future growth. The talk might be your cue to end the relationship and start over with someone whose values align more to your own. Or—cue separate scenario-- the talk causes you and your partner to collaborate in understanding one another in more profound ways and, as a result, you feel closer and fueled to keep going strong.
Relationship conversations are also important to bring to the table in therapy. To be clear, I actually mean conversations about your relationship with your therapist! Avoiding discussions about how you feel around your therapist can spell d.i.s.a.s.t.e.r. Or, to be less dramatic, dodging such talks can result in missed opportunities for growth. Sometimes the constraint summons the end of treatment altogether. In order to avoid sharing feelings that come up for you, it is tempting to just call it quits. Yes, perhaps you and your therapist were a poor match. But, I’d argue that, if you never broached your feelings in order to have a dialogue about it with your therapist, you’ll never know. Alternately, avoiding these conversations while remaining in therapy is a surefire way to half-ass the treatment. Plus, by avoiding such interpersonal conversations, you’re just reinforcing a pattern of avoidance in your relationships all around. In therapy, the harder you work, the more you get out of it. So, go ahead and bring things up with your therapist. You can do it! And, perhaps it’s exactly what you need.