Stop Curating Your Life: Find Your "Good Fit."

I had a friend many years ago who applied to a highly competitive graduate school for business. He desperately wanted to get into this prestigious institution. He researched how best to write his personal statement to ensure that he would sound like the kind of candidate the university selects. This struck me. I wondered why he wouldn't write an honest letter of intent so the school could determine if he was actually a good fit for their institution. I remember thinking; I wouldn't want to go to a school that didn't want me for who I really am. (Those are mother issues, by the way). Getting in was more important to him than fitting in and meeting his educational needs. He got accepted, of course, and one semester later he was struggling to be the persona he had created. He took a leave of absence to alleviate the anxiety of feeling overwhelmed and out of place. Although it was a highly respected university, it may not have been a good fit for him.

This story occurs to me as I contemplate where I will send my toddler when it's time for him to go to preschool. Will a Montessori program be the best fit? Or will he do well in a bi-lingual immersion program? Will he thrive in a learning center with an abundance of free play and physical activity? Or will he do better with more structure? Where will he flourish? Where will he flounder? Or worse, where will he stagnate and do nothing more than is required to get by?

"A good fit." Therapists use this expression a lot. We use it to refer to the therapeutic relationship itself, as in "her motherly approach was a good fit for the woman with a history of childhood abuse." We use it to make sense of why our clients are struggling in certain environments, as in " the culture at your office is not a good fit for your personality" or "that school's highly structured approach may be a good fit for your impulsive child."

Many clients come to therapy because they've created a web of relationships and environmental situations that are not a good fit for them. Like my friend in graduate school, many people curate their self-image to gain the approval of others. A good fit doesn't require you to do anything except be yourself, but for many people it's not clear who we are anymore. Our environment and our relationships are often mirrors for how we perceive ourselves and if the situation is a bad fit then the reflection may not be accurate.

Finding a good fit is not about taking the easy way out. A good fit is the sweet spot for growth; a supportive relationship that aligns with how you work, how you think, and what you value. This environment invites you to flourish. A bad fit is not safe for stretching beyond what we know we can do, because the risk of failure is laden with potential shame and humiliation. This is where people can get stuck and feel bad about themselves. This is the trap of the bad fit, because the feedback from this environment reinforces that we aren't worthy. But the good news is: when the fit is bad, you are not the problem.

What is a good fit?
•A good fit makes it safe to risk and grow.
•A good fit acknowledges and meets your needs.
• A good fit has realistic expectations about what you can do.
• A good fit mirrors or complements your difficult personality traits. (We all have them!)
• A good fit challenges you without demeaning or embarrassing.
• A good fit does not make you work harder than the other person to maintain the relationship.

Think about a few places or people that are a good fit for you. Identify a few that are not. Think about fit when you choose a school or day care for your child. Or consider why you would go on a second date because he likes you, but not because you like him. Do you stick with your hair stylist because you don't want to hurt her feelings by changing salons? When you go on a job interview, who asks all the questions? Do you find out if you want to work there? Think about how your family system fits you, or doesn't. Some parents think their children should fit themselves into the adult's world. Other parents fit themselves into their child's world. None of these scenarios is a good fit in the end.

Finding a good fit should feel just right.